Sanity Break

I haven’t written in quite some time.  I took an unintentional break from blogging.  I won’t go into a ton of detail as it is private, but not bad.  So here goes…

I titled this post “Sanity Break”, but I did not lose my sanity.  I will admit…I was under a tremendous amount of stress.  I decided that I needed to get away for awhile by myself.  I needed to sort through some of my thoughts, emotions, behaviors, just everything.  So, I went to Ireland.  Isn’t that what everybody does?  (insert sarcasm)  I needed to reconnect with a very dear friend I made back when I did charity work for Chernobyl Children’s Project (now Chernobyl Children’s International).  I was there for a week and it was wonderful!  I saw parts of Ireland that tourists don’t see.  I have been before and seen the touristy bits.  I just wanted to explore, work on my book, and think.  Well, I explored.  I didn’t write.  I didn’t do much thinking and that was okay.

This trip was just what I needed.  For an entire week, my mind was devoid of racing thoughts, actually any thoughts at all.  All of my anxiety was gone (expect the usual anxiety before a plane ride).  So, except just before each plane ride, I did not take any anxiety medication at all on this trip…none!  This never happens.  It was wonderful!  What it taught me was a peaceful mind is achievable.  I’m not saying you have to go to Ireland to get it.  I do think a get away by yourself is a wonderful idea, even if it’s just the next city over or a few blocks away.

I do understand that finances can be an issue.  Camping is a great option and can be relatively inexpensive.  You can always stay with a friend.  The important thing is to remove yourself from your environment that is causing the stress.  If an overnight is not possible, try getting away for a few hours.  Plan a nice picnic for yourself with a good book.    Your get-away doesn’t have cost you a fortune.  It just has to get you away.   I do think the longer the get-away, the more beneficial it will be.  However, you have work within your means and your comfort level.

Since I’ve been back, stressful situations have come up.  I have caught myself falling back into my old ways of getting anxious and irritable which leads to arguments and that’s just not good for anyone involved.  Now, I stop myself.  I actively say to myself, “Wait a minute.  You had a week of no anxiety, no anger, no racing thoughts, no jitteriness. Why are you letting this situation get the better of you?”  Okay, so I may not say exactly that, but something like that.  The gist of it is I recall that period of calmness and use it.  I know I can achieve it because I did.  It’s possible.  So I keep using it and I don’t give into the anxiety and anger.  Now that I’ve known that kind of peace, I don’t want to give it up.

The moral of this post, take time for yourself.  It is not only good for you, but the ones around you as well.  My household is a much happier household now that I took a little time for me.  It may seem selfish to someone on the outside, but it’s not.  It’s survival.

Embrace Bipolar

I’ve been writing this blog from the perspective of the positive side of Bipolar Disorder, at least that was my intention.  There were some times that it was difficult to do.  I feel I have grown  in the past year and a half since the start of this blog.  It hasn’t always been easy to see the advantage of having Bipolar Disorder especially when I’m in the middle of an episode.  I can assure you, though, there is…at least from my perspective, a definite advantage.

Let me start with a poem that my doctor read to me during our last session.  It’s called “The Guest House” by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
Because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

I found this poem so profound.  It really helped me put together all the work I’ve been doing to try to understand the different levels of mania and depression and how to function within them.  I have been working so hard to not only accept these states, but welcome them.  Now, let me explain that last part.  By welcoming the states, I am able to see the value and advantage in each state.  For instance, I’ll start with mania (that’s usually the easiest one).  When I’m in a manic state, but still in control (and not just in my head, others around can see the controlled state) I am able to be quite productive in work, house work, advocacy work, volunteer work, etc.  I, however, don’t stay in this state too long.  I am an ultra rapid cycler and if I don’t watch it, I can cycle out of control rather quickly.  When I’m in a depressive state, I tend to have more empathy for people.  I may not always be nice depending on the degree of depression, but this is when I tend to do more service oriented tasks.  By helping others, it helps to take my mind off of the depression.  This is when I will start more volunteer projects and usually just on my own…not with organizations.

I’m not saying these things to advocate that you should actively stay in either of your states.  I can just appreciate what I learn from each one.  I do learn something each time.  This goes right along with my “Live life with no regrets” motto.  If I learn from each state, how can I regret having been through it?  The advice my doctor gave me for the next time I’m in either mania or depression is to simply say “hello”.  Actually address it and welcome it.  By doing so, I take its power away and empower myself.  I like that.  The whole idea of the online course I’ve been taking (at least for me) is to empower myself.  To not live in fear of my illness.  To not be at the mercy of my illness.  I have by no means perfected the skills yet, but I practice every day. By practicing every day, I grow stronger every day.

This strength I gain means the world to me.  It spills over into other aspects of my life.  Once you can see the value and advantage in something that was once so scary and stigmatizing, it’s no longer stigmatizing to you.  Does that make sense?  For me, that is very empowering.