For those of you that don’t know, I have given my bipolar disorder a persona…Big D. He’s a maniacal character that tends to throw me out of sorts. Most days, I can keep him away. However, there are some where he reigns supreme. This last month is a good example.
For the past month, I’ve been living on 3-5 hours of sleep per night. Occasionally, I get one or two good night’s rest, around 6 hours. I’m usually exhausted by the time I think I’m ready to go to bed. Big D has other plans. My entire day starts to replay in my head: What could I have done differently? Did I really do that?! Can I do better? Then the “answer” scenarios start. Oh this takes up a good chunk of my falling asleep time…if I actually able to fall asleep at all. I know I’m not alone in this. Although at 2 in the morning, when all of my family is fast asleep, it sure does feel like I’m alone in this. Occasionally, I can still make an early appointment or excursion with a friend. It seems like just when I think I’ll get up early without an alarm (because I consistently have been waking up at 5 a.m.), that’s the day Big D is distracted enough to let me sleep longer. I just feel awful by the time I wake up…awful and well rested. I know I’ve let people down AND then it starts all over again.
This whole past month, I have not had two days in a row where Big D isn’t messing up my sleep. I always think I can get a second day, but nope. Big D is just playing his usual games. For the most part, I can function alright, just alright. I do have days that it seems like I’ll never fully “wake up”. I’ll go about my day surrounded by a dense fog.
U2 has a song, “It’s The Little Things“. The lyrics hit home for me. These especially:
All my thoughts are so reckless
And all of my innocence has died
When all the darkness is swarming
And it covers me in fear