My pdoc has given me enough medication that I should be sleeping soundly through the night. Well, instead I start to fall asleep about 6pm (before I take my bedtime meds). As per usual, last night I fell asleep around 6pm until about 8pm. I got up and took my bedtime meds. I had a bit of a second wind…well until my husband gently shook me and told me to head up to bed. I had such hopes of sleep.
This is about the third night in a row that I’ve woken up around 2am or 3am. This is not a good sign. This could be a pre curser to mania. I’m usually waking up because my mind is racing (I’m taking so much Clonazapam that this shouldn’t happen) or I’m waking up with migraines. Again, this shouldn’t be happening either. Oh ya and I’ve gained 10 pounds since I started taking all of these medications despite watching what I eat and using Myfitnesspal.com. This is the point I usually just want to give it all up…give up the meds because they just don’t seem to be working right and the side effects are just brutal.
I’ve done this dance with pdocs for so many years. I’m just so tired of it all. I feel as tough I’m just existing right now…what kind of life is that? I know nothing is perfect, but after all the years I’ve been trying to achieve some sort of semblance of “normal” and it I’m still no closer to it. I apologize to my children constantly that I’m not that “normal” mom; that I’m the mom that has to get ECT; that I’m the mom that has to have so many appointments and still things aren’t as I feel they should be. They just smile and say “I love you”. I know they do, but I just feel so bad. I feel like my disorders have robbed them of so much. Apparently, I’m getting louder and louder in public when something happens that I don’t agree with…I don’t even know it’s happening. My children just take in stride. They are awesome.
Some people would say well why don’t you just make your mind up to be well and you will be. Those people I just want to smack across the face. Don’t you think I would if I could? I can no more choose what happens with my disorders than I can choose the color of my eyes. My disorders (while they don’t define me) are a part of me. They have opened doors and shut others, but they’ve opened more than they’ve shut. I know that sounds strange. It’s helped me realize who my true friends are and that’s been very valuable. It’s also allowed me to help others. I guess I just need to help myself now.