Sitting on the Sidelines

I don’t know about you, but often (quite often) I feel like I’m on the outside looking in.  I have a husband of almost 20 years (wow!), a 16 year old son (oh lord help me he’s driving!) and a 14 year old daughter who I swear thinks she going on 40.  I try to engage with my family, but sometimes I find it difficult.  Sometimes I just feel like I’m standing in the middle of the room, invisible, as the rest of them whirl around me going about their business and there’s nothing I can do about it.  It’s a bit like an out of body experience.

I take my medication like I’m suppose to (well most of the time).  I do forget sometimes.  I see my therapist.  I go to acupuncture.  I do all the things I’m “suppose” to do and yet sometimes I feel like it just isn’t enough.  Luckily this isn’t an everyday occurrence, so in that respect it all must be working…at least a little.  When these moments of invisibility strike me, I try to tell myself that my family loves me.  They need me.  I have to say that over and over like a mantra.  It does seem to help.  I don’t like the feeling of just watching what’s going on around me.  I want to be an active participant in my life.

I wonder does this happen to any of you?  I’ve been (knowingly) dealing with Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety Disorder for over 10 years.  Have any of you that have dealt with it for a few years or more felt similarly?  I’d be curious to hear how you handle it.

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